OK, so I LIKE pancakes. these are also awesome. i just choose the recipe that matches whatever ingredients i have on hand. so, here we go (I need to create and patent tevo for recipes!)

dry ingredients:
2 C flour
1/2 t salt
1/2 cinnamon
1/2 t baking powder
1/2 t baking soda
2 T sugar

other ingredients:
2 lg eggs
1/2 C buttermilk
1 C milk*
3T warm, melted butter
1/2 C pecan pieces
1 C blueberries
1 T butter or veggie oil

Mix the dry ingredients in a bowl. Mix the eggs, milk, and buttermilk in a separate bowl. Add the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients. Mix until the batter just comes together. add the melted butter. Mix lightly. Add blueberries to batter after it has been poured onto griddle to avoid “bleeding” too much blueberry juice into batter.

Heat pan to med high heat. Oil the pan with either butter or vegie oil. Ladle pancake batter until the ‘cake is about 5-6 inches wide. When air bubbles start to bubble up to the surface at the center of the pancakes (takes about 2-3 minutes), use a spatula to flip them. After a minute, peek under a ‘cake for done-ness. When golden or lightly browned on both sides, cakes are done. Note, cooking the 2nd side takes about half as long as the first side, it also will be a lighter shade of brown or gold than the first side.

serves 3-4

I have stomach cancer and have had most of my stomach removed. Therefore, I have to be careful what I eat, to even FIND something that stays down and doesn’t literally hurt to eat. Currently, pancakes are working pretty good for me. Especially good for me are pancakes that include dairy like ‘cakes made with cottage cheese, sour cream, buttermilk, etc.

General rule about pancakes: They are often like quick or sweet breads in that the flavour, moisture and texture improve dramatically if the ‘cakes are left overnight in the fridge before serving.

But, onto the show!

Blueberry Buttermilk Pancakes

Ingredients:
2 C flour
1/4 C sugar*
2 1/4t baking powder
1/2 t baking soda
1/2 t salt
1/2 t cinnamon
1/2 C chopped pecans
2 eggs
2 C buttermilk
1/4 C melted, unsalted butter, plus some for cooking the ‘cakes
1 C blueberries, fresh or frozen

Directions
In a large bowl mix the flour, sugar, paking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, pecans and salt.
Beat the eggs with the buttermilk and melted butter
combine the dry and wet ingredients into a lumpy batter, being careful not to overmix (if you overmix you may end up with heavy, flat pancakes)
Heat some of the butter in a skillet over medium heat
(always cook a “test pancake” with a new recipe to cut down on wastage. Sometimes your ‘cakes may need a touch more flour or buttermilk to get the texture right)
spoon approx. 1/4C batter into the skillet and sprinkle the top with some of the blueberries
cook for 2-3 minutes on each side (remember, the second side cooks more quickly than the first!)

*sugar is esp bad for anyone who has had stomach surgery as it rushes straight into the vascular system with little breakdown, causing “acid dumps” that are so excrutiating, it’s not uncommon for a sufferer to think she/he is having a heart attack. Ways I avoid this are: I don’t use refined “regular” sugars. I use fructose or turbinado sugars. fructose is created from fruit juice. turbinado sugar has a crystalized, light brown look to it. it adds a wonderful crunch and texture to baked goods and is a minimally processed cane sugar. You can buy sugars like these at stores that sell more organic and bulk items, like Whole Foods.

Turkey Rice Bake – serves 6

preheat oven to 375 degrees

Ingredients
1/4C dried cranberries
1/4C nuts of choice
1C uncooked rice (basmati and jasmine are best, but you can use an anonymous white if you add a little bit of wild rice to add some flavour)
1/4C butter
1/4C flour
1 1/4t boullion (I use powdered veggie boullion in bulk from an organic store, it’s not as salty, and doesn’t mask the flavour of your dish.)
1/2C dry white wine (I didn’t have dry, so used table wine and it was great!)
1/2C sliced mushrooms (for canned, use 4 oz. and add mushroom water with mushrooms)
1/2C chopped onion
1/2C each of several veggies on hand. (I used asparagus, carrots and green beans)
1/4t poultry seasoning (to sub, add 1/8 t each, sage, rosemary and thyme)
1C cheese (I used cheddar cuz that’s what I had. It was fine, but mozzarella or swiss, etc. would prob have been better.)
2C diced, cooked meat or tofu (I used cooked chicken)
salt and pepper to taste
dash of paprika

Preparation:
Cook and drain rice (1C rice, 2C water, 1t butter)
melt butter in a large saucepan over medium/low heat
add flour and stir until smooth
gradually add veggie broth and white wine, stirring until thickened
stir in carrots
when carrots are lightly crunchy, add other veggies, cranberries, nuts, poultry seasoning, and half of the cheese
stir til cheese is melted
stir in rice, chicken, turkey, tofu, etc. protein of choice
season to taste with salt and pepper
pour into a shallow baking dish
sprinkle with remaining cheese and paprika

bake at 375 degrees for 25-30 minutes.

I just found these pages that Heather wrote in a journal we were going to share. I found out about 6 mos. ago she wanted to be with other women most of the time we were married, except for the first 6 mos. This is two years into our marriage.

“This is an experiment by two bunnies, sharing our thoughts and feelings. And I promise right now to do my best to write legibly as I know that is a concern.

Today I am loving your generous heart, M. From making me my favorite tea to mailing off packages for me, and hundreds of other little things. you have been the sweetest most loving bunny today and I appreciate you.

I also just love being your bunny because I get to interact with your greys everyday. I just love learning and loving and talking with you, bunny. You are the best one. Smooch!”

Another entry in a journal kept for Heather and I, for us to read later. This entry is by Heather. As I try to type I’m shaking so hard that I can barely write. This is the only other entry in this journal, none by me, just 2 by her.

“You are making me lunch – in all you lusciousnesses – for my first day of school. I love you so much. You are the most wonderful bunny. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful woman in my life. Cutie! You tell me how much you love doing this for me. You have been so wonderful, taking care of me while I’m recuperating from my surgery. How blessed I am to have such a tender, awesome bunny. Thank you for being with me, for sharing yourself with me, and allowing me to grow old with you. I look foward to watching more of your little grey hairs sprout up, and hearing your sweet little bunny boice each day, waking me up and soothing me to sleep. I love you!!! Smooches to all of you.

Love, your Shuba”

It’s an old title. For example: “Death and The Maiden” with Sigourney Weaver and Ben Kingsley. A MUST SEE! Pain is always pain. the only thing that changes is what you do with it.

When I was 13 and my sister, Wilma, was 14, we were sent alone with my father to Tucson.

I should back up a bit. My mother knew my father was beating and raping us on a regular basis. During the time of that abuse my mother was having an affair with another guy. Apparently they decided to go to Tucson from Livermore, Ca to start over again, to try to save their marriage and family. Before we left Livermore to go with my dad he cornered me in the garage. I can’t remember everthing he said, my heart was beating too loud (just as it is now) for me to hear it all. There was something about the Devil, I think he said the Red Dude made him hurt us.

All I know is a deeper betrayal by my mom than ever before. To send two of her daughters alone with their father to Tucson with all she knew.

We shared one room with two beds. I spent as much time as i could in the shower or the pool, the water deep in my ears, causing a low moan from the deep hard pounding of my blood.

Like most abused kids, I knew when it was time for dad to blow. Wilma was being very bossy toward me and I pulled the old, “you’re not the boss of me.” thing toward her. Later I was writing to my grandmother, telling her how Wilma was trying to “be the mom.” My father, with his guilty conscience, read that as a sexual role, rather than a bossy role. I can’t remember everything. My memories are often like pulses of light, on, off, on, off. Images then blackness, then images. The main memory was of me lying down, face up, on my bed with my father literally jumping up and down on top of me with his shoes on. I thought he was going to kill me and I was so glad, I quit being scared.

That’s it. I lived and I don’t know why. Some kind of physics process could possibly explain the give of the metal springs and the weight of my father’s feet as they slammed into me.

A couple of weeks later a man tried to do the ol, “want some candy? wanna come into my car?”. I was tempted. I knew what would happen, my mom had warned me many times. Probability was very high that i would be raped and killed. I stood there looking at him. No fear. Then i laughed and walked away. I lived for me, for those few hours each day without my family, when i could breathe, when I would go into the school bathroom where the acoustics rocked and sing until the tears rolled down, cuz I thought my music was so beautiful.

a quote from Heather that never turns off in my head:

*after a long love-making session*

“Keep this up and I might not need to be with other women.”

“Quick bread recipes are fairly versatile — you can add and substitute ingredients with greater freedom than you can with most other baked goods. To lower the fat, you can substitute some of the oil with an equal amount of almost any fruit puree (applesauce, baby food prunes, pumpkin puree, mashed bananas). You can add nuts and dried fruits to your heart’s content, and substitute one kind of nut, dried fruit or fresh fruit for another.

When you use dried fruit in a quick bread recipe, try soaking the fruit first. Not only will this make the fruit moist and tender, but adding moisture to the fruit before you put it into the batter will also preserve the moisture of the bread because the fruit will soak up less moisture from the batter while it bakes. Place the dried fruit in a heatproof bowl and pour just enough boiling water over it to cover it up. Let it soak for 15 minutes or so, then drain and add to the finished batter. If you want to get fancy, you can even soak the fruit in hot apple or orange juice. Or, soak the fruit overnight in whiskey or rum to add a twist of sophistication. Don’t sprinkle dried fruit on top of the quick bread before baking – it will get dried out and burnt, and won’t make a very attractive or tasty topper.

Add a finishing touch and a burst of flavor to finished quick breads by glazing them! Allow them to cool somewhat, and then make a simple mixture of confectioners’ sugar and a little milk or fruit juice. Some especially popular choices are orange and lemon juice, for the fragrant, tart zing they add.

The Magic is in the Mixing
The real secret to perfectly moist, tender and well-shaped quick bread is to be scrupulously careful in your mixing. Combine the dry ingredients – flour, leavener, salt and spices – in one bowl and mix them thoroughly with a wire whisk. In another bowl, beat together the fat, sugar and eggs in the order the recipe advises. Stir any other ingredients – fruit or fruit puree, nuts, flavorings – into the wet ingredients. Only when each bowl of ingredients is mixed thoroughly should they be combined. When you are ready, pour the dry ingredients into the wet ones and fold them together gently. Do this part by hand rather than with a mixer so you can use a gentle touch. Only stir until all the dry ingredients are moistened. Don’t worry about a few lumps-they will disappear during baking.

Troubleshooting
There are a few common problems that people encounter when baking quick breads. Luckily, most of these problems are completely avoidable once you understand what causes them:

Bread sticks to pan

There are a few reasons why the bread may stick to the pan. Unless you’re using high-quality nonstick metal or silicone baking pans, you should always grease the pans before you pour in the batter. The best thing to use for greasing the pan is shortening, because its melting point is higher than any other kind of fat, and therefore maintains a “shield” between the pan and the batter while the bread is baking. If you use a liquid form of fat such as vegetable oil, it will simply get absorbed into the batter. People also experience sticking problems when they use a bread recipe that is especially low in fat. Usually, the fat in the bread itself helps to prevent sticking, and when there isn’t very much fat, the bread is more likely to become stuck to the pan. The best solution to this problem is to use a more generous amount of shortening to grease the pan, or buy some really good nonstick pans. You can also prevent sticking by removing the bread from the pan within a few minutes of taking it out of the oven.

There are big holes and ‘tunnels’ in the bread, and/or the bread is tough

These problems are usually caused by overmixing. See the paragraph above about mixing technique.

There’s a big crack down the middle of the quick bread loaf

The crack on top happens when top of the loaf ’sets’ in the heat of the oven before the bread is finished rising. It’s normal for there to be a crack down the middle of most quick bread loaves. Don’t worry about it.

The bread looks done on the outside but it’s still raw in the middle

This is one of the most common quick bread problems, and it can be caused by a few different factors. The oven temperature could be too high. Most ovens are not accurate: they usually vary anywhere from 25 to 75 degrees F between the number you see on the dial and the actual temperature of the oven. The best way to get an accurate temperature us to use an oven thermometer than is made to hang from the oven rack.
If the outside of the bread is done before the middle, try lowering the oven temperature and/or putting a loose tent of foil over the top of the bread so it won’t burn before the middle has time to catch up. Another cause of the ‘raw center’ problem is using a different size pan that the recipe calls for. One of the nice things about quick breads is that you can use the same batter to make muffins, mini loaves, jumbo loaves, or just about any shape at all. But, each size requires slightly different baking times, and sometimes, different baking temperatures, too. The larger and thicker the loaf, the longer it’s going to take to bake. If you’re using a different size pan than your recipe calls for, adjust the baking time accordingly and check the bread often.”

this is from http://allrecipes.com/advice/coll/all/articles/616P1.asp

I never liked kissing boys
never thought a boy’s tongue was like a girl’s
like the golden yoke of an avocado
his black seed pressed hard
inside the arches of soft, green places

I never thought a boy was beautiful
not like a girl
never thought his mouth looked like it still suckled
as he slept and dreamed of milk
I never longed to have his teeth
nibble me creamy clean

I never danced with a gay boy
he never looked as sinuous as a girl.
I never pulled his ass against my mound
grinding and wishing I was packin’
so I could fuck him ’til he moaned

Never liked boys
never wanted them
never thought they were beautiful
not like girls
knew you’d take this, grasp it, know it,
always knew you’d understand this lie
if I told you.

Minikin
copyright 2006

1977

Zac is holding me and now it’s all worth it. We’re in the backseat of a car, I don’t remember the car much, but I feel her stroking my cheek, I feel me tasting her mouth. The strength of her tongue and teeth are all worth it. I don’t remember everything, only what mattered. We were somewhere high in the desert. Ray drove because I was too drunk and Zac was holding me. The Bacardi and blood on my hands knew not to stop touching her, reaching for the too rare moment of tenderness from her. She kissed me over and over, rocking me and whispering, “silly girl” in my ear. Her whispers were strong in my ear, all of me vibrating, eating every breath of her.

i had a 5th of bacardi. Some I drank. Some was still in the bottle when I broke it on the concrete barrier. The barrier was there to keep us from crashing. It didn’t work. I crashed, the pain overwhelming me in a riptide of despair. She doesn’t love, she loves me, the petals falling right and left, all over me. But then she held me on the way to her home, she kept me there that night. we slept together on the couch bed. she taped up my hand and held me, rocked me, all night long.

I don’t need to die anymore. I’ve already been to heaven.