Yesterday I got crabby with H over our usual issues. But then I stopped thinking about what she did to me that was not ok, and started thinking about how much I love her. She got really hopeless about us. That hurts more than anything. She did that on the weekend too when I blew up about finding out that she had propositioned L. I threatened to call L and J to find out what really happened, if H wasn’t being honest with me. H totally freaked about me calling them. That should tell me something, like maybe her sense of shame or honesty? i’ll never know. When I said I was going to call them, she started crying and saying our relationship was hopeless. maybe she WANTS it to be so she can be with these other women. But I lost it and started that little girl wail again. It was the most painful grief of my entire life, including the first time my father raped me (not saying at ALL that she did ANYTHING remotely like that!!!, just different types of pain responses, is why I mention it at all.). I begged her not to give up on me. How pathetic could I be, how pathetic could she let me be and why? I felt I was a Monster, I even begged her to forgive me for being a monster. Is this pathetic enough yet?

She said she felt she was a monster too. She didn’t think I’d ever forgive her because she can’t forgive herself. We cried long and hard, but i toldher not to give up on us, because if she did, she was giving up on me, and I couldn’t stand it.

I try to sleep as much as possible now. It’s the only way to survive the physical and emotional pain. I try to hide from my pain in the dark, my fear, my sorrow.I have to believe that H and I will make it, if she wants us to, because I can’t bear the thought of any other possibility.